Don’t Carry It all

Today I feel serene.
Today I feel like I have an idea of who I am, and want to be.
Today I feel like I have purpose.

The grey skies over my town have moved on for the time being, and I am able to breathe again.  I can never think clearly when there are grey skies.

Every day I change my mind on what I want to do with myself, and what I really care about.  I have wrote, what seems to me, like a lot of reflective writing since this blogs conception.  And since I have started writing, the biggest idea that I fight with myself is over what really makes me happy.  And I just can never figure it out.

I have these two conflicting sides.  One that focuses on technology and geek culture, and the other that focuses on simplistic ways of life, and tranquility.  Every time I become consumed in one more than the other, I panic.  I need moderation.

Today I can commit to an idea.  An idea that I need both in my life to be happy.

I always pictured myself living in a log cabin up in Northern Ontario, in some forest with a husky for a dog.  And inside my cabin, I would have all of the video games and comic books, and geek culture I can get my hands on.  So that way when I leave my house, I am surrounded by a simplistic lifestyle, and when I’m inside it I am surrounded by technology.  Problem is, I am allergic to everything organic, meaning trees; leaves, pollen, dust.  And I hate the cold.  So my plan isn’t quite perfect, but I’m working on it.

Anyway, today I want to commit to being a journalist.  I want to learn everything there is to know about writing a proper story.  I feel like I have learned too much in these two months in college, that it’s kind of hard to ignore.  I need to work harder if I really want this for my life, but for now, I really want to write.

It’s this whole idea of talking to people, and getting the story that really intrigues me as a person.  Of travelling, and putting yourself in danger, just to be loyal to the story and your readers; to the people.  It’s like, if I really follow this career path, and I commit to it, I can really make a difference and do something important and challenging.  It’s a whole lifestyle, it really is.

I feel like I have all this potential for good, and to do something great.  I feel like we all do.  We just have to push ourselves hard enough to accomplish something in ourselves.  And a huge chuck of that comes from taking a leap of faith and not knowing what’s on the other side, but believing it’s going to make you a better person.

I tend to talk about the same ideas just in different contexts and situations, especially on this blog, because these are the things that are constantly going through my head.  Taking leaps of faith, leaving your comfort zones, believing in ourselves.  These are all things I always, and will always hold dear, even if I’m not practicing it myself.  I would definitely fit myself into the hypocrite category, but I think everyone does.  A friend of mine once told me, – what I took from it at least – that it starts with being a hypocrite and having idea that something needs to change, in order for you to change yourself.

So for now I want the responsibility to change myself, and to push myself for something that will give me purpose.  And I think writing, and journalism is that purpose.  My mind will indefinitely change again, but today, this is need to be to feel like I am fulfilling a purpose.

Song of the day: Don’t Carry It All – The Decemberists – The King Is Dead


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